June 5, 2014
Posted by Paul Smith at 10:04 AM
I’m going to open my heart in this post, with the hope that you get something from it. I am also using this post as a way to explain to you what particular struggle I am going through at this time. Without my faith and the love of God, I could not have survived any of the events I am about to describe.
May 30, 2013 was the day that my niece called me at 2 in the morning and told me that my mother was in the hospital and that I should fly to her as soon as possible. The week before this anniversary I developed some strange habits. I began to re-lock my front door, suspect that people were following me on the road, and a general feeling that bad things were about to happen. I also began to feel tremendous grief at the loss of my mother. I would wake up in the middle of the night remembering the month of June of last year. I started getting as little as 2 or 3 hours of sleep a night. I began to drink wine every night. I became sad all the time. Being a good salesman, nobody noticed.
In prayer I began to ask God what was going on. All I got was a feeling of warmth and reassurance. As time progressed, I realized that nothing bad was happening. No one was following me, my door stayed locked after I locked it the first time, wine was not the answer and I was not in San Jose. I was in the beautiful state of Washington. I also noticed a growing respect from the people in my network group. On the other side of this equation, I almost fell off a roof when measuring it because I was exhausted. I also made math mistakes on roof bids and driving mistakes that could have caused me to get in traffic accidents.
What was happening began to make sense to me when I recognized that I was reliving June 2013. At that time, I had six siblings attacking me by questioning everything I did with regards to my mother. They text messaged me, phoned me, lectured me while I was in the hospital for my mother, and try to manipulate me at every turn. They did this constantly. I was also visiting my mother every day in the hospital, making medical decisions for her, Working with her accountant to pay her bills and taking care for her house all at the same time. You can read more about these events in some of my posts from last year.
I have been experiencing post traumatic stress disorder . I called my nephew, who had served 2 tours in Iraq and one in Afghanistan. I explained what I was going through to him and he confirmed it. He told me some sleep aiding measures and to pray a lot during the day. He also told me that my body and my mind were on hyper vigilance and that over time my subconscious would realize that I am not in danger. I cried a lot that day. I asked my nephew where he got this great advice. He told me that I had told him this a few years ago. You all know where I get these kinds of things. We have a wonderful God.
Yesterday I took a walk on the same trail that I walked on when I came home in August of last year. I began to ask God how to get rid of, or at least make this process go faster. I thought of ways to let go of all of this. The answer came quick. FORGIVE! I began to forgive each and every sibling. I remembered what Christ said on the cross, “Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I forgave God, even though it is not logical, sometimes you have to do it anyway (an old monk taught me that). I forgave everybody and everything that happened, whether it was necessary or not.
I am now in the process of letting go, again. I might have to repeat this process over and over again.
My mother died June 30, 2013 and July 2013 was another hellish month for me.
I know when I am healed enough that God will use this as a way for me (and Him)to help others.